the hobbit abridged movie
My aim with the Abridged cut is to create a succinct single film that serves what I believe to be the original intent of the three Hobbit films. The full video and audio edits are available as a single file in the kdenlive format, freely available to use and modify. Observe! Anyway, the company defends themselves with Gandalf’s flaming pinecones in the book, so they faithfully do it here too. Even some more detailed length edits were ultimately straightforward. Meanwhile IAN summons the EAGLES the EXACT SAME GODDAMN WAY HE DID IN THE OTHER MOVIES. He was watching the tunnel entrance! Thus ruining my only chance at having one scene where I didn't have to act at tennis balls on a stick. He doesn’t belong in a battle. I just want to watch a coherent Hobbit movie, okay? If you fight, we'll kill Martin; but if you surrender, we'll eat all of you, including Martin. The Editing Room has been around since 1998 and features over 1,000 Abridged Scripts for movies. I'm a bit confused. Remove over-extended plot points, orc encounters, and dialogue. We're pretty bland actually, I mean three of us are doing double duty as evil trolls. I only added bits back in at the request of my husband, who was disappointed to see Elrond, Saruman, and Galadriel’s big fight scene cut. They're like Cliff's Notes for your favorite movies, except Cliff thinks your favorite movie sucks. Once upon a time, a city of dwarves built a completely unsustainable economy based on gathering precious raw materials and then keeping them. So now we get a few bits and pieces of Gandalf encountering Sauron at Dol Guldur, his imprisonment, and, in the clip above, his rescue. Then everyone falls ANOTHER THIRTY MILES and the twelve-ton GOBLIN KING falls ON TOP OF THEM and THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING TOO, WHY THE FUCK NOT. Abridged is written in tiny print along the thumbnail of the title. You would think, with TWO MORE TO GO, they could've given that a little more time to develop. I cut both for time and content choice, always with the aim to maintain a coherent story. Has he not been paying attention? Yeah, it's part of a game we play to see who can piss off more people on the Internet. This is just lazy. Your email address will not be published. Alas, we have paid a high price for our freedom. Martin, we need your help to steal a jewel from the dragon who took my kingdom. I'll be playing this again and again. The framing of the Battle of the Five Armies makes it almost impossible to not set up Peter Jackson’s vision of the historic feud between Thorin’s family and Azog, for instance. Legolas’ role is reduced to just a few cameos, this being the most prominent. The Hobbit Unabridged by Rob Inglis. Galadriel, well. IAN MCKELLEN, with all the collected writings of Middle-Earth at his command, decides to KILL the GOBLIN KING using a joke stolen from JASON X, the FRIDAY THE 13TH IN SPACE movie. He has been married to Hannah Clarke since March 18, 2009. HI UNCLE BILBO! Men and elves also appear to be rallying–a good moment to move to Thorin’s big showdown with Azog. So we have a film of Bilbo “sharing in Thorin’s perils”. I really should have paid more attention but this is the ABRIDGED version of The Hobbit, I only realized this because of the number of chapters. "My main goal of this edit was to make what I considered to be the best movie The Hobbit could be. Yes, it's the RuneReader Glow, only $149.99 at major retailers everywhere. The DWARVES act rudely and MARTIN stutters an objection. Right. The hell I will, I'm turning into Martin Freeman. The official movie site for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. My original goal was to get Bilbo out the door and on the road to adventure in 15 minutes. The COMPANY is flown out of DANGER and left at the TOP of a TALL NARROW PEAK, instead of at, oh let's say, the BOTTOM, because EAGLES ARE ASSHOLES. Bret McKenzie, Soundtrack: Flight of the Conchords. Side plots and superfluous battles were easy to lop off, especially with the book as my guide. The protagonist of The Hobbit book is Bilbo, and Middle Earth is laid before us through his eyes, expanding with his experiences. Originally I cut out the deaths of Fili and Kili for time’s sake. Prepare thy tears as I relate the noble sacrifice of... wait a minute... ...holy fuck, ALL the dwarves are still alive. The full video and audio edits are available as a single file in the kdenlive format, freely available to use and modify. Um, yeah, trying to start an epic trilogy here. Hello! Then ONE GOBLIN finds MARTIN and they FIGHT! Whisked from his comfortable hobbit-hole by Gandalf the wizard and a band of dwarves, Bilbo Baggins finds himself caught up in a plot to raid the treasure hoard of Smaug the Magnificent, a large and very dangerous dragon. Or at least, have enough internal hemorrhaging to not be up for a game of Riddles in the Dark. Possibly. Did you stop by to do anything useful? Lalala, I'm three studios away and I can't hear you. Or if you're reading this in 48FPS, a GIANT IAN-HOLM-SHAPED BLOB OF MAKEUP sits down to write a book. Did you like how I turned in place, creating a pretty spiral pattern with my crazy long dress? And perhaps my cut will inspire others to use what I’ve done as a launching pad for their own tweaks and edits. That scene is quite visually stunning, but getting there is just too ridiculous to include. comment. MARTIN has a word with GRIZZLED OLD DWARF KEN STOTT. All goddamn twelve of them. At any rate I hope it all works like a cohesive sequence. The original barrel escape scene was a total CGI nightmare. We don’t get a clear motivation in this cut for Bilbo to follow Thorin. He demonstrates his wizardly prowess to the audience by having a FACE covered in BIRDSHIT. Sitting in my theater seat, the moment I saw those stupid CGI rabbits come hopping into view, I was done with the character. Abridged Scripts are short(-ish) screenplays for films that just cover the highlights. And I'll stumble onto the winning question entirely by accident. Bilbo joins the company in an unexpected journey through … (The longest continuous scene is the riddle and chase sequence with Gollum, which I leave essentially untouched.) 2. This American version of the Hobbit is delightful. Collins Modern Classic edition of The Hobbit on tape in a colourful boxed set. Smaug certainly looked fast asleep, when Bilbo peeped once more from the entrance. Well although we've all run out of information, I think we should discuss this further. If only the second and third movies weren’t so overly serious–there are enough light moments in An Unexpected Journey to really carve out a Tolkienesque cut of the film. The Battle of the Five Armies was meant as an epic climactic chapter that brings back together all the new characters we had encountered along Bilbo’s journey. Perhaps. It’s not meant to necessarily be the most true to the book, but the replicate the style and feel of the Lord of the Rings trilogy." The big stylistic change to this sequence, in addition to all the cutting, is adding in one of the songs from the credits. With Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Andy Serkis. The Editing Room has been around since 1998 and features over 1,000 Abridged Scripts for movies. If we're just stealing a jewel from it, you don't get your kingdom back. Opening the project with kdenlive requires three image files, which are included in the git repository, and all three films: An Unexpected Journey, The Desolation of Smaug (the extended edition), and The Battle of the Five Armies. (Here is the original scene.) There, all done, movie's over. I created an “abridged” version of all three The Hobbit films. Bad CGI, in general, plagued The Hobbit. In early 2015, while I was writing my PhD thesis, my thoughts were frequently diverted to creating whimsical lists of all the other things I’d rather be doing. The Hobbit trilogy appears to take much inspiration from another Tolkien work, “The Quest for Erebor” (or at least the part of that work that appears in the LotR appendices). After all, what fun is joining a group on an adventure if you feel constantly rejected? SHITVESTER MCFACE gets on his MAGIC RABBIT SLED and attempts to re-enact RETURN OF THE JEDI. In early 2015, while I was writing my PhD thesis, my thoughts were frequently diverted to creating whimsical lists of … Ian, thank God you only show up exactly when we need you. Hello Hugo. Even the orcs were originally the goblins of the Misty Mountains, come to seek vengeance for their murdered king. Perhaps they are ensorcelled pinecones? It’s a little silly that a small pack of wargs and orcs have Thorin’s company up a tree when they have no problem taking on a whole army by film three. Yeah, like in Fellowship. He was just about to step out on to the floor when he casught a sudden thin ray of red from under the drooping lid of Smaug's left eye. Other condensed versions of The Hobbit films do exist, but it is a large undertaking. The battle marches on. Tolkien. Reviews Reviewer: DrFace - favorite favorite favorite favorite - March 14, 2020 Subject: Simply Splendid … Let’s get straight to being a hero, Bard the Bowman. I decline your offer of adventure. This isn’t something I felt I could escape with clever editing. MARTIN, IAN, RICHARD, KEN, and TEN OTHER CHARACTERS THAT WE HAVE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO EVEN MENTION THEIR NAMES YET AND GUESS WHAT, WE NEVER WILL, arrive to see HUGO WEAVING. Bilbo lives in a hole because he is a hobbit—one of a race of small, plump people about half the size of humans, with furry toes and a great love of good food and drink. Cull the most egregious offenses to physics and subpar CGI. There is a flashback scene earlier in the movie where Balin recounts the battle in Moria where Thorin’s grandfather died and Thorin earned his moniker “Oakenshield”. The scene I stitched together sounded disjointed, so I added the song in to tie the audio together. Now listen up, dwarves, three of whom are also us! (curled up half-asleep on giant pile of money). Excellent idea, Cate. As merry as the song is, it doesn’t fit the later behavior of the dwarves (no more merry songs on this journey) and the scene suffers from too much egregious abuse of CGI. Yes, several abridged versions have been made available; The (2009) Highbridge Radio Edit (full cast) The (2002) BBC Radio Edit (full cast) The (1993) Martin Shaw Abridged Audiobook. Even in the Battle of the Five Armies, the book explicitly says he plays almost no role, experiencing it from the sidelines before being knocked out. There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale (The Skuta Cut) The Hobbit: Bloat Free Edition; The Hobbit Abridged (Hunt) The Hobbit: Wizard Cut; The Hobbit Book Edit; The Hobbit: Back Once Again; The Hobbit: A Musically Enhanced Fanedit; The Hobbit: Bread & Butter Edition; The Hobbit: An Unextended Journey; The Hobbit: The Anti-Cringe Cut; The Hobbit (TimeTraveller edit) Welcome, Ian. Romeo Muller won a Peabody Award for the teleplay. Just as all seems hopeless for the DWARVES they are rescued by IAN MCKELLEN, in the NICK OF TIME, YET A-FUCKING-GAIN, and begin fighting their way out of the mountain in a CHASE SEQUENCE copied FRAME-BY-FRAME from PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 2. Why should we fear them smashing about in the water if they can bounce around crushing orcs with those barrels? I'm surprised it took you until now. He clearly has something to say to Thorin when he arrives. Despite the show being originally intended as a homage to the original work, much of the humor surrounds poking fun at … JRR Tolkien's The Hobbit. How is it possible for special effects to look less convincing than they did 10 years ago? The name The Hobbit refers to more than one character, item or concept. How the fuck did we not think of THAT?! Martin, you showed great courage, and I now respect you. It turns out we need your help, because I just realized my entire plan hinges on a map I cannot even fucking read. Report Save. SYLVESTER MCCOY, nobody's favourite DOCTOR WHO, arrives as nobody's favourite wizard, PEDERAST THE BROWN. Forty years ago, in 1974, Argo Records released a dramatized four-record LP audio abridgement of The Hobbit, and the narrator and performer of this abridged dramatization of is none other than Nicol Williamson — who would later play the role of the legendary sorcerer Merlin in director John Boorman’s 1981 quintessential King Arthur movie, Excalibur. Actually, I filmed my scenes in London, to be composited in later. MARTIN FREEMAN is practicing his puzzled-blinking skills when IAN MCKELLEN arrives. However I cut a bit of film-Thorin’s pointed disdain. I spent a few hours a week over the course of the next few months hacking away at the films, finally producing what I call The Hobbit Abridged. That is the worst chase sequence I've ever seen. Required fields are marked *. Okay everyone, settle down. And as Bilbo “finds his courage” and proves his usefulness to the company of dwarves, Thorin’s respect for Bilbo grows. Don't worry, I'll distract them and MY ENTIRE FUCKING FACE IS UTTERLY CRUSTED OVER WITH FUCKING BIRDSHIT. Thanks, dickhole. Literally not one hour ago, I specifically mentioned that I've never handled a sword before, and I'm holding my own against a fucking monster. I’m not against adding the character of Radagast to The Hobbit story. She must have been someone whose judgment Tolkien respected, for he abandoned the work and decided to let The Hobbit retain its own autonomy and voice rather than completely incorporate it into The Lord of the Rings as a lesser ‘prelude’ to the greater work. Look, we need your help to sneak past the dragon that we're going to kill anyway that doesn't even exist! Hold on a moment, Ian. Meaning both of our character arcs have been compressed into one film. Hey check this out guys, now that the trees are flat, we can walk off them. Howdy everyone! So out it went. Your email address will not be published. I'll go with you. I want to offer up an edited version to start from and improve upon. Back in 2012, I had high hopes of adding The Hobbit to my annual Lord of the Rings marathon, but in its current bloated format, I simply cannot see that happening. However, they were thwarted by a computer-generated albino named Manu Bennett, but not before Richard cut off his hand, kind of like what happened to Sauron in the prologue to the other movies. This repeats for roughly ETERNITY until finally IAN MCKELLEN throws a TANTRUM in EXACTLY THE SAME WAY as he did in FELLOWSHIP. If we're going to travel in THIS movie, it's going to be COOL and AWESOME and NOT AT ALL LEISURELY. The result is that when Smaug bursts from the mountain, creating a new hole in the front door, he is covered in glimmering gold, which he then twirls and sheds mid-air. This was done because I removed the scenes of the dwarves fighting the spiders, scenes which helped ease the transition of the color palette before the elves arrive. He wrote three chapters and, as John D. Rateliff recounts in The History of the Hobbit. I suspect Peter Jackson filmed scenes such that slices could be easily excised. A frank look at gender inequality in science. Legolas’ physics-defying stunts are nowhere to be found. And if the plan is to kill it, you don't need me to steal the jewel, instead you need about three thousand more dwarves. abridged.png -> Title card added to the abridged film. I tried to keep enough of the battle scenes to show some heart–I loved the focus on Bard tracking down his kids. Besides being our Viggo surrogate, I mean. I much prefer this version to the BBC one, although some of the accents may sound strange at first, they suit the Dwarves, but not the Elves!, but you soon forget that and just enjoy the story, which is told in 4 CDs. Wow, it shows where the secret door we need is, and that it can only be found during a stupidly long laundry list of circumstances, and guess what, they're all happening now! This work discusses the events of The Hobbit from Gandalf’s point of view as told to Frodo while they were in Moria. This is Thorin’s quest. After I submitted, I decided that one item I really did want to pursue was a single movie cut of the three The Hobbit films. I kept a bit of the Goblin King’s song as an ode to the book. Looking at all the edits in kdenlive, they appear to grow denser as the film progresses. They're like Cliff's Notes for your favorite movies, except Cliff thinks your favorite movie sucks. I am a Knight of the fucking Realm, and if I want to sit out all the parts where you're just walking to places, I will sit those parts out, dammit. While both LotR and The Hobbit suffer from egregious CGI moments, these occur with much greater frequency in the latter, proportional perhaps to the bloat in unnecessary battle scenes. Share. Ah, FINALLY, I can display the wits and cunning that justify making me the hero of this story! Then they all trip a FLOOR TRAP and fall TEN MILES DOWN A JAGGED STONE PIT and are still TOTALLY FINE because Tolkien hadn't invented CRUSHING DAMAGE yet. It feels CHEAP and CONTRIVED. You remember, from the other movies. Follow Condensed Considerations on WordPress.com, Dual booting Windows 10 and Ubuntu 18.04 on a Dell XPS 13. Really there’s no book chapter to map here because Peter Jackson deviates quite a bit from the order of things in the book. Smssh fplssh GOLLUM, ssghsss indecipherables gibberishes preciousnesses! Uh-oh, wargs are attacking! But instead IAN MCKELLEN shows up in the NICK OF TIME and SAVES EVERYONE, a device which is already BEYOND OLD and isn't even the last time it happens IN THIS MOVIE. He’s finally the king he was meant to be. Somebody should really tell Peter Jackson that all of these allusions aren't making this movie more resonant, they're just robbing the originals of a lot of their impact. We do not know this person’s identity, but apparently her response was something along the lines of ‘this is wonderful, but it’s not The Hobbit’. MANU hacks down the TREES so now our heroes are dangling over a CLIFF! Hobbit Fanedits Wiki. The clip above ends with Bilbo getting knocked out. I put the record on and hit record. The BBC children's television series Jackanory presented an adaptation of The Hobbit in 1979. Create a self-contained story 3. Not just for the way it’s rendered, also for the fact that anyone falling from that height onto a stone rock face would surely die. My one regret is that because Bilbo has not yet shown that he is capable of killing (we first see this in his encounter with the spiders), his decision to spare Gollum looks more doubtful as an act of pity versus a general squeamishness towards violence. (Those you’ll have to supply yourself.). I dunno. level 2. IAN announces a PARTY at MARTIN'S HOUSE on his DWARFBOOK PAGE and sets it to PUBLIC, causing the house to be instantly swarmed by DWARF PRINCE RICHARD ARMITAGE and his TRAVELLING CAVALCADE of RIDICULOUSLY-BEARDED WARRIOR-CALLIGRAPHERS. Surprisingly there are a ton of great scenes and The Hobbit can actually be a very good movie when trimmed down. A reluctant Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, sets out to the Lonely Mountain with a spirited group of dwarves to reclaim their mountain home, and the gold within it from the dragon Smaug. This clip is from "The Hobbit Abridged", a personal project to edit The Hobbit Trilogy into a single film. The Hobbit Abridged: My 3.5-hour cut of all three Hobbit films, freely available under GPL. I also cut the “Blunt the Knives” song, though it is in the book. The Hobbit - Abridged Edition is the title for Reciticus' abridging of the 1977 Rankin/Bass animated adaptation of The Hobbit by J.R.R. There's no way we'd do an entire movie without accomplishing SOME benchmark, so either YOU'RE gonna die, or I'M gonna die, or at least SOMEONE will ACTUALLY ACHIEVE SOMETHING! They prepare to move on when SYLVESTER MCCOY arrives with his SHIT FACE. Please don't let the fact that I perform 90% of this movie on a greenscreen make you feel like I'm phoning it in. The Hobbit, an animated version of the story produced by Rankin/Bass, debuted as a television movie in the United States in 1977. I cut out Bilbo’s fight with a goblin for two reasons. WHY AM I FALLING IN SLOOOW MOOOOTIOOOOONNNN. Check out just how much fluff has been removed. I'm here to take my revenge on Richard. Interestingly enough, Tolkien himself recognized the tonal mismatch between The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. I originally cut Gandalf’s side quest with the “Necromancer” out entirely. Initial release: 3/21/2015 Latest revision: 10/19/2016 Editor: Angry Sprite/Hobbit Fixer Length: 3:47 hrs Website: https://hobbit4k.wordpress.com"I have watched countless fan-edit versions of The Hobbit. I'll go stare nobly into the distance while you do that, don't want to intrude. Not really, except to position this scene right before the beginning of Fellowship, which means we're about to take 9 hours of film to tell a story that you wrote down in about two. I also decided Bilbo being cocooned came off as derivative rather than a homage to what happens to Frodo in Shelob’s lair. We don’t see Smaug burst out. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hobbit:_An_Unexpected_Journey When your making a movie, you HAVE to do this, in order to visually and structurally make it work on the screen. And we must act soon, as there are rumours the dragon is gone, and others may try to seize our homeland. In The Hobbit book, Bilbo survives due to his stealth, wits, and the aid of his magic ring (which he doesn’t yet have). The second has a payoff here, this first Azog encounter. Better settle in and get fucking comfy. But then you sang about being really sad, so okay. Because you won’t find it here. There never was enough material to turn one battle into an entire film. So what's the deal with Richard Armitage? The Bilbo Edition. Much less taking down orcs by throwing rocks. Is somebody about to relate my epic backstory? I wouldn’t mind letting him shine a little more, if he weren’t guilty of the most atrocious CGI violations in the trilogy. But thanks to the ONE RING and a SILLY 3D EFFECT, MARTIN ESCAPES and finds his way OUT OF THE MOUNTAIN even though the WHOLE POINT of the question game was to get ANDY to show him the way OUT OF THE MOUNTAIN. Ha ha, of course not. Unfortunately the trilogy feels bipolar in the execution–jumping between light-hearted, book-inspired adventures (the trolls quibbling over their dinner, the goblins breaking out into song) and dour tragedy (Pyrrhic battles, reflections on family and dwarfish legacy). And the brightly lit, molten gold we see in the distance, behind Bilbo as he pursues Smaug, could in this cut be taken as the fire left behind by Smaug’s rampage through the mountain. Wikis. In the film, the dwarves pour molten gold on the dragon in some convoluted scheme to stop his rampage. Thorin emerges and we see the parallel with his leadership in Moria. The direct confrontation between Thorin and Azog, however, I wanted to save for the climactic battle at the end of the film. There are two shots where I went further and restored, from the original green tint, the more full-spectrum palette of the forest floor scene: the dwarves cutting themselves out of their cocoons and Bilbo falling with the spider. He even went so far as to begin rewriting The Hobbit to match the style of its sequels. NO, NO FUCKING WALKING, STOP RIGHT GODDAMN THERE. I mean, how long does it take to shove a barbecue fork through your forearm? Half the dwarves get BODYSLAMMED by TWENTY TONS OF ROCK but are FINE. “And it seems that The Hobbit will be the same kind of film.” This divorce has been systematically driven by the logic of Hollywood. MARTIN and the DWARVES get caught in a battle of GIANT ROCK'EM SOCK'EM STONE GIANTS! Is that so hard to understand?! Hopefully my color swaps help disguise my editing and allow the scene to flow smoothly to the eye. The (1986) BBC Radio Edit (full cast) The (1979) Jackanory Radio Edit But such is war. Okay, in this case, yes Smaug is indeed at home. But they do meet their end in the book, and after ignoring their absence during the return to the Lonely Mountain, it would be a shame to ignore that they’re missing at the end of the adventure. Greetings, hobbits! WE'RE sure as hell failing at it. Hobbit Mother (uncredited) Jabez Olssen ... Running Dwarf in Erebor (uncredited) Shane Rangi ... Goblin / Hunter Orc (uncredited) Thomas Rimmer ... Goblin (uncredited) Miranda Rivers From 8 hours and 20 minutes of footage, the final cut is 3 hours and 38 minutes, including credits. Poor Kili’s death goes unavenged in this cut. Raccontato da Francesco in 20 cm quadrati e 3 minuti e mezzo :-) That does it Manu, I'm challenging you! It’s almost as though Peter Jackson thought he could compensate the serious tone of the dialogue with slapstick physical stunts. You really made Christopher Lee fly all the way to New Zealand at his age for this? To achieve this, I specifically aimed for the Abridged cut to: The goal therefore is not to replicate the original The Hobbit book. I created an “abridged” version of all three The Hobbit films. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. I always found it rather suspect that in the midst of Middle Earth-shattering turmoil in The Lord of the Rings, only two wizards ever enter the fray. I went back and looked at the description, it does not mention ANYWHERE in the description that this is the abridged version. I’ve made all of the edits freely available as a single file in the kdenlive format. This script published under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0 License This script was featured on Cracked, so you can also read it there. Once upon a time, the Kingdom of Erebor in the Lonely Mountain was taken from the dwarfs by the evil dragon Smaug. The only reason the dwarves don’t use it is that it is presumably guarded by Smaug. Saruman was at least mentioned once before, when Gandalf told the company who the other wizards are at the start of the film. But we’re cut off by the death of Fili. Right then. Except that I'll have all my answers spoon-fed to me by our surroundings, or your own words. Well, you did a song about what an uptight asshole I am, so I was going to say no. The Hobbit, The Two Hour Fan-Edit. It’s a rough escape, but one that feels somewhat realistic. Also, my face is covered in shit. Retain as much of the fun and adventurous wonder of the book as possible. Bret McKenzie was born on June 29, 1976 in New Zealand as Bret Peter Tarrant McKenzie. The Editing Room has been around since 1998 and features over 1,000 Abridged Scripts for movies. So do you just crash parties whenever you need only a handful of XP to level up? hobbit-abridged.